She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
