I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
is that a dick in a sweater?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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