I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
