Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
