I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
