i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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