That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
