walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
