shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Someone signed my nipple.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
