phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
