what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's Friday. Sex?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
