i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
