it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
