cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
