I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Welp...herpes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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