It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
