So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
