It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
