ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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