I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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