Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
