You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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