from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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