the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
