I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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