I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
