in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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