He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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