if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
