Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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