how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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