How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
