I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
