I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
