Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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