...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
