guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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