She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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