Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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