You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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