you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
