All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
