you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
