guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize