Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
