I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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