I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
