I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
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