She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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