3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think your dad took our porno
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
