This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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