so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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