White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
