too bad you live with your parents still
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
