If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
