guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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