So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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