Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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