My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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