FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
