I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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