what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
