Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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