Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize